Advice For Scans

I always feel anxious before MRIs  and even though I’ve had plenty of scans now, I still feel the same every time, I’m hoping that this post will help anyone feeling the same. Before a scan, my Mum and I always feel anxious, I guess you could say it’s the fear of the unknown as we worry about the possible outcomes of the scan, but we get through it together. 

Tips: 

These are a few things I have thought of that always help me with anxiety (or scanxiety) before/during a scan

• Support from someone- I always need someone with me because of my mobility anyway, but having someone there does help. My Mum is always with me, and usually one of my Mums friends will come with us as they know Mum needs the support too. When you know that you’ll have someone with you before, during and after a scan it makes it so much easier. The staff are all lovely and supportive at the hospital I go to, so they’re very helpful also. 
• Listen to music- In every MRI, I listen to music. Music has always been there for me and has been a great help during this journey, I take a CD to listen to or I ask them to connect my phone as they have special headphones to wear in the MRI. I find it really helpful to close my eyes and sone out to the music, the machine is very noisy though so is a little annoying but you can always ask for the music to be turned up. 
• Something else I always do, is take something to have with me, for example-I take my own blanket to have over me in the scanner, and it helps to comfort me and keep me warm. I also take my mini cardboard cutout of Justin Bieber, and lay it on the table with me or stand it up on something so I can see him, this may sound crazy but it is helpful as it’s something from home and is comforting, For others who aren’t as crazy as me, I’d suggest taking something like a teddy, or wearing fluffy socks to comfort you. 
• Mindfulness- this really helps when I’m feeling stressed. There are many different mindfulness exercises, but one that can be helpful during a scan is concentrating on your breathing-I count my breaths or think of a balloon resembling each breath, as I breathe in I imagine the balloon filling up with air and then as I breathe out, all the air is being let out of the balloon. It’s helpful to focus on something that will take your mind off your worries. 

Thankyou to anyone who has took the time to read this post, It might not be helpful for everyone but if I can help even just one person then it’s been worthwhile. 

Moving Forward

It's been a while since I've written a post as I have been so busy so this is going to be short, 
I called this post 'moving forward' because I've found that since being  diagnosed I feel like a lot of things stopped for me, for example, I was unable to carry on with sixth form due to the treatment that I needed but I am now  studying TV & Film/Media & Journalism at a new college. Recently a lot of my friends have been busy going to uni and things which I should've been doing, so having something for me to focus on has made me feel like I'm moving forward, and getting some normality back. I'm still going to try and carry on with this  blog whilst studying, I might struggle posting  often but I want to carry on with it  as I started it to help more people know the correct information  and to hopefully offer help and support to other people  going through similar situations.

How Cancer Has Changed Me

Over the past few weeks I've been having a bit of a rough time but I don't want to sit and complain about everything so I might try to write some separate blog posts about some of the things that have happened, but this post is all about me trying to fuel my pain/upset from this rough patch of my journey into something positive, although this experience is rubbish (insert rude words as appropriate) and I've had the toughest time going through it, I'm going to try and make this situation turn me into a better person, I have learnt so many things from being diagnosed with cancer and I want to use them to my advantage to turn me into a better person with a better outlook on life (or turn me into the perfect wife for Justin Bieber) I'm starting this by thanking and apologising to my friends and family, the people I've met along this journey(doctors, nurses, all people involved with the medical stuff, I've met celebs but can't really say this to them lol) thankyou so much for being by my side and for supporting me and looking after me so well, there have been times after diagnosis when I have been angry and I still probably take stuff out on you when I'm having a bad day, but you are the people who get me through each day, you look after me so well and my friends especially you cheer me up with your texts and with coming to visit me and wanting to spend time with me (even though I know  I can be  annoying), so thankyou for being here, I'm always here for you too. 

I have learned so many things from my experience with cancer,  another one is that you shouldn't waste time worrying about silly things (idk something like spilling a drink on your favourite top) the time you spend worrying over trivial things like that is useless because you can't change it, I think it's a natural thing for us to do and I try now not to but it's quite hard, there's times when I find myself thinking I'm sick of this now, I hate cancer,  why did this happen to me?, what did I do wrong?, but I know I can't change it however much I want to, I might be Queen Bieber but I can't take my cancer away, So I'm trying my hardest not to worry about trivial things (although tbh I'll probably still complain when my phone needs charging) 

another of the many things I'm trying to change about myself is to appreciate everything in life, even the smallest things because if you put them all together they're all one big thing, For example- I shouldn't take for granted living in a lovely area with the people I live with, because there are people in this world who are underprivileged, when I'm better I'm going to make it a goal to help people & animals but for now all I can do is just appreciate what I do have at the moment because even though cancer has taken things from me, I still have a lot more than other people.

I'm going to make this the last thing then stop rambling, cancer has taught me that I'm stronger than I think and even the most  horrible situations can't bring you down and stop you  if you don't let them, my cancer has taken so much from me, a few being my ability to use the left side of my body, nerve damage to my voice, missed out on finishing my first year A-Level exams and spending time with my fab friends at college but I have not and will not let it take my positivity and determination to beat this cruel disease, I take each day as it comes and just get through them because that's all I can do, and I have bad days but occasionally I do have good days, I just have  to persevere

I hope that anyone who reads this post can take  something from it, I want to turn my situation around to help others and to explain a bit more about cancer, thank you for reading.

Chemo 2.0

I'm going to be starting some more chemo which will help to attack the small new part in my brain and hopefully will help to kill the one in my spine too. This chemo is different to the last one I had (temozolomide) it's 3 different chemotherapy's together and it's called PCV. I will get my bloods checked on to see what my platelets are like to check if it is okay for me to have the chemotherapy, this is what the chemo is: 

•Procarbizine, CCNU(lomustine) & Vincristine

Each cycle of this is 6 weeks, on the first day I'll have Vincristine (intravenous) & Lomustine(4 tablets that I take on the day with the Lomustine) then the following day I'll start a 10 day course of Procarbizine tablets(which is 3 tablets a day). When that finishes I'll have no more treatment until the 6 weeks is over then I'll start the cycle again. There are obviously side effects to this medication, I'm most worried about the fatigue and losing my hair and also having aches & pains from the drugs as I don't want this to interfere with my physio because what affects me the most is having my independence taken away from me and not being able to walk/use my left arm so I'm determined to get it back, but with tiredness and aching from drugs this can be hard for me  to keep working so hard. Also, my hair is still growing back from my last lot of treatment and I'm concerned that I'll lose it all again after I just started to feel better about my hair because it was growing back. There are many other side effects but I'm not an expert so I've just mentioned a couple that I know already. I hate that these drugs are supposed to make you better but actually they can make you feel worse, although I know I just have to deal with it & get on with it otherwise I'm never going to beat this cruel disease. 

My advice to anyone who is starting cancer treatment  and anyone who is worried about the treatment & its side effects is to make sure although you still want to get on with everything ( like me with my physio) you have to give yourself time to rest and be kind to yourself. Make sure you have plenty of rest & also to keep your spirits up don't let the treatment stop you from doing things that make you happy. For me this is things like singing & seeing my friends; the treatment is rubbish but if you give yourself time to rest then it won't stop you from doing the things that you love and that make you happy. 

Relapse

After my most recent MRI scan, we were told I had relapsed. There was a new spot in a different area of my brain that could be a bit that's broken off but we don't know, because of this, my consultant wanted to do a scan on my spine  to check, there was a tiny spot on my spine also so more treatment is needed now. I will start radiotherapy urgently and more chemo will be needed. The radiotherapy will be to my spine to attack that small spot before it has chance to cause any problems. This is a bit of a shock but it's nothing I haven't done before and it just means that I get to jam to my fave artists in radiotherapy again. 

Relapse is a word that a cancer patient doesn't really want to hear, but if there is anyone reading this who is going through a similar situation, I will put a few tips at the end that helped me when I was told this and things that always help me if I'm worried, some are my own strategies and others are Ones that my psychologist has taught me.

Before that, I want to just say thankyou to everyone at the hospital that was with us yesterday, I don't think any of us expected it but you were all there with us and you got us through, Thank you.

Tips:

Worry cars- try to visualise your worries as cars driving by, if you were stood on the side of the road, you wouldn't go and get into a random car, so don't choose a random worry to consume you, just let it drive by like a car. 

Mindfulness- there are many different types of mindfulness but there are lots of apps and things online that give you mindfulness exercises to do

Distractions- this is probably the main thing that helps me, having things to distract me. This can be focusing on things that you love such as listening to your favourite music or watching your fave tv show, or just arranging a night with some friends to take your mind off everything else that's going on.

Hope this helps someone :)

Medication

Something that I've never really talked about is the different medication that I have needed/still need. Obviously there's the treatment (which for me was both radio and chemotherapy) but there's a lot more as you may need medication to help with the side effects of treatment, I'll talk about a few different medications that I have had,

• Anti-sickness(ondansetron & metaclopramide) - this helped with the sickness I felt from treatment, sometimes I just felt so sick but these tablets usually helped with that.
• Bowel control-(docusate, bisacodol&suppositories) -chemotherapy can affect your bowels and these help with that problem(I'd rather not go in to a lot of detail about that haha) 
• Painkillers- I'm not really on painkillers regularly but we have some there if I do need them, I take painkillers for when I'm aching in my wheelchair or if I feel a bit ill or have a headache, ones I've had before/still have are paracetamol, oxynorm, diclofenac and after surgery I did have codeine but ive not had that really, I take painkillers for when I'm aching in my wheelchair or if I feel a bit ill or have a headache
• Septrin (prophylactic antibiotic) I have this two days a week to help fight infections, although this week I am unwell so it mustn't have worked that well!
• Gabapentin(this is for nerve pain but I no longer take this)
• Norethisterone(I used to take this when I was still having chemo to stop my periods but now I have finished chemo I am off them-which I hate(gosh boys have it so easy lol) 

One year on...

today (15th march)  is one year since I was diagnosed and march 21st will be one year since surgery, to be honest this past year has been horrible (excluding some things) but looking back from where I was this time last year helps me to see how far I've come since last year, for example, when I came out of surgery I couldn't even sit up and now because I've been working so hard with physio I can do a lot more than that, obviously I still want to reach my main goals of walking and using my left arm again and that's something I'm trying to achieve now and working towards, but seeing how far I've come since last year shows me that I'm making so much progress and helps me feel a bit more positive about my physio, because this is a very slow process but looking back shows me that I will eventually get there it just takes time and a lot of hard work, my life was very constant before all of this, I went to college everyday and saw my friends everyday and then suddenly it all changed;I never anticipated my life to turn around the way it did but from the beginning I've been determined not to let it get me down,I think that's the most important thing to do in situations like this, it will only get you down if you let it  so you have to fight against that and keep positive however hard it may be. 

18th birthday

On  24th February 2017, I turned 18, I spent my 18th very differently to how I expected and I'm unable to do so many things that I would've wanted to do, however  I'm going to try to not get upset over this, I have to look on the positive side because being negative won't help me, through this journey I have found out who my real friends are and made some great new friends through the Teenage Cancer Trust so I spent my birthday with fab people who I know will always be there for me, although my birthday was different to how I had imagined it, I still had a great day and being with these people  reminded me that through this hard time I'm still surrounded by happiness,  my Mum is amazing, she never  fails to make me happy and she put so much effort into making my birthday special as she knew how hard this day was for me, everything was perfect and I had so much fun despite being unable to dance etc, hopefully this shows anyone in a position similar to mine that whatever you're going through and can/can't do, nothing is impossible and you can always find a way around things 

Goals for the future

This post is just about what my goals are for the future for example,  the biggest and most important goal to me is to get my mobility back, it's not that simple though and this is going to be a long and tough journey,  but I know that the energy that I would use on being upset about not being able to do stuff, I can use towards the energy of working towards my goals. Most of my goals are all physio related like to be able to do things more independently and get my mobility back is something that I'm really working towards but I do have a few other goals also, such as I want to regain my singing voice, my voice was affected with nerve damage from the surgery and I now struggle to hit certain notes, I find the lower notes easier than the higher so a goal is to regain my voice and be able to hit a wide range of notes as singing is something I'm passionate about. I think it's been good for me to set myself a goal as then it gives me something to focus on instead of getting caught up in all the horrible thoughts such as "I can't walk", "I want to walk", "my singing sounds weird", I can focus on achieving the goals rather than getting upset. I wanted to write about this to  kind of show people that even though you might have a goal that seems too hard, don't let yourself get upset because that energy should be used to concentrate on achieving the goal rather than getting upset about it. 

Tiredness

Because I've finished all treatments, I think that people think the tiredness just disappears, however the effects from treatments can last  a while after you've finished. The tiredness is one of the worst effects because it really is indescribable, you just can't say how it makes you feel like it's rubbish but more than that, I've always tried to fight the tiredness but I've learned that's not the best thing to do because you get to a point where it consumes you, every day is different as some days I could just be too tired and feel that I don't have the energy to do anything, it's not just the tiredness from treatments I get it's all the physical work I have to do because of the stroke effects, even something as simple as going to the toilet feels like work because getting on and off the toilet/commode  is hard when you have limited mobility. I think it's hard to understand these effects unless you actually go through it yourself,  I wish that there was an easier way to describe the feeling that it gives you rather than just tired or rubbish because it's much more than that. 

MRI scan

On January 6th it was my first MRI scan since finishing chemo, I was feeling a mixture of nervous/worried/anxious&scared because you just don't know what's going to happen or what the outcome will be. I thought I'd write a post about what it was like  and how I managed to stay calm and hopefully it can help others in a similar situation. My Mums friend came with us on the day who stayed with us on the hospital when I was on the ward, it really helped to have her there because she has already been a big part of this journey and she helped to keep me and Mum calm and was there for us. My hospital family as I call them were there for us too, whether it's talking to me to distract me whilst having my cannula put in, or giving us lots of hugs to keep us chilled, they're always there, before the MRI we went to the oncology day unit and waited there for a while until it was time for our appointment, I had my cannula put in which I hated but people helped to distract me, I saw lots of familiar faces as you get to know everyone and it was nice to see them and catch up with them, they always ask about my physio and what else I have been up to, when it was time, we rolled over to the MRI department and then went in for my scan, I have to stand and step round to get onto the MRI bed and then have to get my head and shoulders in the right position, they put headphones on me (I was listening to the Kaiser Chiefs during this scan and was enjoying it too much that I got told off for moving because I was dancing) and then I go into the machine, the music helps to relax me and also my Mum always sits and holds my feet so that's comforting, it's very hard to hear the music properly because of how loud the machine is but I just try to zone the noise out and focus on the music. I'm in the machine for a little while and then they come and inject the dye into my cannula, then after I'm in for another little while and then it is over, when we were done there we had some  food as I was complaining of being hungry lol, then we went back up to the day unit where my consultant had the results, we're showed the scan on a computer and it's quite scary to  look at, , we were showed my last scan compared to my scan from that day, the tumour was looking significantly smaller which was great because it showed the treatment had worked, my consultant has always said to me that my scans will never look normal and he said remember what I always say, because of the bleeding and stuff from surgery my scan will never be clear or look normal. After talking with the nurses and doctors about my scan and seeing the results  I felt very relieved, now I can just see what happens at the next scan in a few months and focus my energy on physio instead of worrying. 

The end of 2016

As we're coming to the end of this year I've been reflecting on everything that has happened and also thinking about next year. To be honest, this year has mostly been rubbish, since being diagnosed everything has changed(have to point out that Everything Has Changed is a Taylor Swift  ft Ed Sheeran song that slays lol) anyway, things became so different and it was hard to adjust to these changes but with the help of many amazing people I have managed, I've also been thinking about what this year has taught me and how I'm going to use these lessons from 2016 to help me make 2017 amazing, here are some things I have learnt:

Be grateful- be grateful for what you've got,  life is unpredictable and you don't know what's going to happen next, appreciate all that you have as you never know when it could be taken away from you, most people would do anything to have what others have.
Slow and steady wins the race- I've learnt that I can't rush things, especially my physio, it will come in time I just have to keep working hard, it's going to take as long as it does and it could be years but I've accepted that,  it's better to do things properly, even though it's hard to watch everyone around me walking and having the use of both hands, I have to persevere and know that things will happen in time. 
Tough times reveal true colours-  this tough time has shown me the true colours of many people, I've been surprised by many people's ignorance but also surprised by others' kindness. 

Complaining is pointless- if I spent all day complaining about not being able to walk it would be a waste of time because complaining about it won't make it change , I have to accept it and just get on with it and put the energy that I would use to complain into more important things, such as physio. I try my hardest not to complain as I think there's no point, sometimes it gets too much but I'm not going to complain all the time, I'm going through this but I try my hardest not to sit moaning about it 24/7 as it can be annoying. Don't waste your time and energy complaining about trivial stuff, use it wisely 

I have learned a lot this year, I am grateful for that even though the way I've had to learn these lessons has been awful but I think it's made me a better person and helped me to really appreciate life, I just hope that I can use my story to try and teach others these lessons. 

2017 will be a chance for me to have a fresh start and the lessons I've learned from this year will really help me next year to live life to the fullest and be appreciative even if I am in a bad situation, there's always someone worse off than you. 

Hope anyone who reads this has had a wonderful Christmas and haves a very Happy & Healthy New Year 

Christmas & New Year

This time of year has always been one of my favourite times, I love the festivities, the decorations, the music and movies and the family time and time to chill and pretty much everything really, obviously this year will be different but we are still managing to keep it fun by making new ways to do things, for example usually every Christmas I'd be the first to wake up,run into my sisters room then we'd both go and wake my Mum up together but instead this year I think we're all sleeping in my room, we always find a way around things. Also I'm looking forward to starting a new year because it will be a fresh start and hopefully will be better than this year, this year has been full of ups and downs, obviously my life completely changed but the good times and many amazing people have kept me going, I think a fresh start will be good for me, just to forget about the past and concentrate on the future, my main focus of 2017 is going to be physio and to just be happy really, To anyone who is reading this have a very Merry  and a Happy New Year :) 

the beginning of my journey

I realised I hadn't really done a post about being diagnosed and how everything happened and what it was like and to be honest  I don't really like thinking about it as it was one of the most traumatic experiences ever but I wanted to write about it...

For a few weeks leading up to diagnosis I'd had flu like symptoms, it got quite bad so I didn't go into sixth form and stayed off for about a week or so, I never really had headaches before that like leading up to it, it was all very quick, so at this point I was complaining of flu like symptoms and excruciating headaches, we went to the doctors and after explaining what was wrong they thought that I had infected sinusitis, I was given antibiotics, when the course of antibiotics was over and I still wasn't better we went back to the doctors. The left side of my face had started to droop just before we got to the doctors and so when we got there Bell's palsy was queried, the doctor sent us to our local hospital, I had bloods taken and was on a drip with fluids  and they were still unsure of what was actually wrong, I was very photophobic (couldn't stand the bright lights) as my head was hurting too much with an awful headache, later on I had a CT scan and after, a doctor said he'd take us somewhere private to talk about the results, I thought to myself it's not going to be good but I just waited. They told me and Mum that the scan showed a lump on my brain- a brain tumour, me and Mum were both obviously in shock and I remember crying a lot but Mum was there to comfort me as she has been every single day. We stayed overnight in that hospital but at about 4am/5am we were blue lighted (taken in an ambulance) up to the Royal Victoria Infirmary because it is a centre of excellence and had everything that I needed there so it was where I needed to be. It was a bit of a drive but I just tried to sleep and take my mind off it all, I went straight in for an MRI scan when we got to the RVI.. it was awful, I was in there an hour and a half and it was so scary as it was the first time I had been in one and I hadn't really had chance to prepare myself as it was all so quick. Mum sat at the end of the bed and held my feet which comforted me. The staff knew how scared and upset we were and they were there for us and really helped us. I still couldn't stand the bright lights. We stayed on the neurology ward and over the next few days there was a lot of talk about surgery and I was told I needed to have it as soon as possible, I met the neurological surgeon and my consultant oncologist who talked us through everything and couldn't have been more helpful, I had a few days on the neurology ward and I was trying to come to terms with everything and prepare myself for surgery, I had always had a fear of cannulas and ever having to have an operation so I was extremely scared and worried. But the day came and I did it, and that's how my journey with cancer and Darren Lee (tumour) started 

Appreciate Life

I was struggling to think of what to do my next blog post on and I had an idea but it may be a bit jumbled as I know what I want to say but it's hard trying to put it all into words, basically I just want to get a message across to appreciate all that you have and be grateful as you never know when things may change, I'm not going to lie before being diagnosed I probably didn't appreciate as much as I should've, and now things have changed for me I realise how important it is to be appreciative as you never know what's going to happen and things may change when you least expect it, So appreciate everything even the smallest and simplest things, things that I miss may seem so small and simple to a lot of people but they actually aren't, I miss being able to cut my food up by myself, obviously I can still eat my food as I thankfully still have the use of my right hand(and I guess it's a good thing that I was right handed anyway) you may take something as simple and little as cutting up your dinner for granted but it's actually not a little thing. I miss being able to walk my dogs, something that many people do every day and don't think twice about. So I'm trying to encourage people to just think now about what you have and how you are grateful for it because trust me if things changed for you which they could at any point you would get a  huge shock. Another thing that annoys me is complaining, I do complain but I try not to as I just think there's no point, I have to accept what's happened and just get on with it, I could complain constantly about the fact that I can't walk but I don't. When I hear people complaining now especially about trivial things I cant help but get annoyed, as you waste your breath on complaining there's someone out there fighting for their breath and there is another person out there taking their last breath, Yes everybody has ups and downs but that's life- just appreciate what you have in the here and now as you don't know what's around the corner and there are many people out there who would do anything to have what some people have, so the message of this is just to try and show people how important it is to be appreciative and grateful of what you have.   


"life is a gift, never take it for granted" 

Finishing Chemo

On November 29th 2016 my 6 months of intense chemo finally finished, I'm glad for it to be over as I hate the side effects of chemo, it's not nice when the thing that's meant to make you better can actually make you feel worse, but you know you have to endure it anyway as the chemo will help you. I think when you finish chemo people think oh that's it, it's not. Just because I've finished treatment doesn't mean that I'm better and also it doesn't mean that the effects of chemo just stop there, hopefully they won't be as bad but  they can still make you feel rubbish, so what now? Well because of the way my mobility was affected, I've still got a lot of rehabilitation and working hard with physio ahead of me- that's going to be my main focus now. Also, I will have an MRI scan in a couple of weeks to check what's going on in my head after chemo, this is very nerve racking for me and my Mum just like every scan is, but the amazing staff who look after me help us through it all. It's worrying as you don't know what the outcome is going to be and the scan itself is scary enough, the massive machine and the noisiness of it and being all alone in the machine, although my Mum always sits by my feet which is helpful because  I can see her, also I take a CD for them to play for me as they can put headphones on me, this helps me to chill out a bit but it's very hard to hear the music over the loudness of the machine, that thing is veryyyyy noisy (and annoying! -Especially when you're trying to listen to the music and all you can hear is the noises of the machine, I prefer Justin Bieber to you machine thing!) I guess I don't know what comes after that as it all depends on the outcome of the scan, I've just got to keep hoping for the best and try not to worry about anything although it can be very hard, but I've got a lot of support and I know I'll be fine.  Just hoping for the best now and we'll see how things turn out. 

Nordoff Robbins music therapy

As a result of surgery I wasn't only left partially paralysed but my voice was affected also because of nerve damage, when I came out of surgery my voice was very monotone and had no tone or pitch, this really hit me hard as I have always loved singing and aspired to be a singer and when I sang after surgery I sounded strange - it was heartbreaking. I did music therapy in the hospital with an amazing Nordoff Robbins music therapist and this helped me to regain a bit of my singing voice and helped me to be able to hit different notes again, I couldn't bear for anyone except for Bev(my fab music therapist) to hear me sing, I knew Bev understood me and wouldn't judge me for how I sounded, when I sang with her I felt confident and it was just amazing to be back singing and doing something I loved again, it made me so happy and it was something for me to focus on and to look forward to whilst having treatment. I can't thank Nordoff Robbins enough for being there and helping me during my stay in the hospital whilst I was receiving lots of treatment. Its not just the singing that has helped me, music is my escape, when I'm feeling down music never fails to cheer me up, especially if it's one of my fave artists- put on a Justin Bieber orTaylor Swift song and I'll immediately have a smiley (oops I was thinking of Miley haha) on my face and start singing my heart out, sometimes it helps to just listen to the music and lose yourself in the music but singing along with it I find can be very helpful to just get lost in a song, music really can change lives. Please watch and share this video of my story to help raise awareness and money, donate if you can thankyou! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q1GUK9Ry1FI

More chemo side effects

Unfortunately another side effect of chemo is that it can change your taste, so at the moment I've gone off a lot of things that I used to love, I'll eat something and say it tastes weird and I'm finding it very hard to decide what I want because I never know how things will taste. For example, if you knew me before you'll know that I absolutely loved chocolate but now I don't eat it anymore as it tastes a bit like it's burnt, I hate this side effect because it restricts what I eat and makes it difficult fir us to know what food to buy or cook because something I used to love last year might taste completely different now, I'm hoping that when I finish chemo I will start to get back onto foods that I have gone off as it can be a pain when I'm the only one who doesn't like something or If We buy  something and I taste it and say no it tastes weird, just another annoying side effect of chemo 

Make A Wish

I already knew of make a wish before everything so when I was diagnosed I asked if I would be eligible for one and if So could I be put forward, someone from the hospital managed to sort it out for me but when I told people what I would like my wish to be they all thought I was crazy as it seemed a bit out of reach and far fetched as my wish was to meet Justin Bieber because I have loved and supported him since the beginning of his career and I've been to every tour of his and am just completely obsessed. 2 People from make a wish came to the house and after sharing all the Bieber facts I know and telling them about my love for Justin it was decided that that had to be my wish! For a while we didn't hear anything about it and then one day I got a phone call telling me the most amazing news ever that Justin's management had told make a wish a date that I could meet Justin, this was the best news ever and I cried for hours after hearing the news as I've been a belieber since the beginning and justin has helped me through some tough times especially these past few months and it was just the most amazing news to be told ever and I couldn't believe it was finally happening, 

On  Wednesday 26th October my wish was granted, I was extremely excited and couldn't believe it was actually happening, we had stayed in a hotel the night before  so I had some chill time so I wasn't too tired. We also did a bit of shopping and on Wednesday morning I had a makeover all ready for Justin and make a wish gave us expenses for food & drink so we had lunch out - I refused to have garlic as I wanted to smell good for Justin! We then went back to the hotel and I had a little rest so I wasn't too tired for the exciting night ahead, we rolled (I don't say walk I say roll) to the arena where we met the lovely make a wish girl and I was very excited! Sammi-Jo (the make a wish rep) rang someone and they told us to wait in the box office and they'd come to get us, after waiting for a while a lovely woman came down and said that she would send someone else down for us, he (Rhy) came to see us and explained that we would probably be meeting Justin after the show, so Rhy took us to our seats and said he'd come for us just before the last song then left us to it, we got some merchandise and then watched the show, which was amazing!! Justin's concerts just get better every time and he always puts on an amazing show! It got to the last song which was the encore, Rhy came for us and said he'd take us nearer to the front to watch the last one then we'd go backstage, the last song was Sorry and it was fab, I sang and danced my heart out! After that, we got taken to a room and told that Justin would be coming soon

After a few minutes the door opened and we heard this cute Canadian accent say hey and someone turned my wheelchair around and he was there, I was freaking out inside but managed to stay as calm as possible, even when he told me that I have nice eyebrows (to which I responded "you have a nice face") Justin was so calming and lovely that I just managed to chill although I did ask if I could touch him to check he was real and he held my hand (OMG) I gave Justin a present that I'd made for him(a scrapbook showing how I've be been there from the beginning and how he's been there for me during this tough time. He told my mum that he'd read every single page. He gave me the biggest and best hug ever and we chatted for a little while and we were asking each other questions, he was so lovely and caring, I knew he'd be lovely anyway I've always said it when people said to me I hope he's nice and I said I know he will be! No matter what the press say about him I've always seen the real him he's just a normal guy who's absolutely lovely and so kind and caring, he even gave me a bag full of merchandise! And he signed a few things for me which was fab, When he left the room I was very sad and now that it's over I've been crying and saying I just want to relive it all but I know that can't happen but I've got the memory forever..and the fab pictures! I've framed one of the pictures and it's up in my living room which is still my bedroom so  I can look at it all the time! I had the most amazing time and it was the best day of my life 

A massive thankyou to Make A Wish for putting lots of hard work into  making my wish amazing and the biggest thankyou ever to Justin my love, for granting my wish and being the most amazing person ever and for always being there, Justin has got me through this and I was the happiest girl ever on Wednesday and can't thank him enough! From laying on the radiotherapy table with a picture of Justin whilst listening to his music everyday for 6 weeks, to actually finally meeting him!!! Much love for the Biebs 💜💜💜

me &  the love of my life 

Neuroplasticity

Neuroplasticity is the skill that the brain has to be able to change itself by creating new neural connections. It enables neurons in the brain to counteract for disease and injury and alter their reaction to new circumstances or changes in environment. My brain will need to use this skill and create new connections for my left side. 

Doing physio  helps this as it will send messages to my brain that my left side is doing something and is learning new ways to do it, I'm doing physio everyday, a few times a week with physiotherapists and me and Mum do it everyday as even simple things like going to the toilet and getting in the bath is physio because of the transfers, the brain will eventually create the new ways that are needed in order to be able to get my left side back, I know that this will take a long time but I have to be patient and know that I will get there as long as I keep up my hard work doing physio, this is the hardest thing for me as I grieve the loss of my left side but knowing that I will get there one day helps and motivates me even more for physio.