Tiredness

Because I've finished all treatments, I think that people think the tiredness just disappears, however the effects from treatments can last  a while after you've finished. The tiredness is one of the worst effects because it really is indescribable, you just can't say how it makes you feel like it's rubbish but more than that, I've always tried to fight the tiredness but I've learned that's not the best thing to do because you get to a point where it consumes you, every day is different as some days I could just be too tired and feel that I don't have the energy to do anything, it's not just the tiredness from treatments I get it's all the physical work I have to do because of the stroke effects, even something as simple as going to the toilet feels like work because getting on and off the toilet/commode  is hard when you have limited mobility. I think it's hard to understand these effects unless you actually go through it yourself,  I wish that there was an easier way to describe the feeling that it gives you rather than just tired or rubbish because it's much more than that. 

MRI scan

On January 6th it was my first MRI scan since finishing chemo, I was feeling a mixture of nervous/worried/anxious&scared because you just don't know what's going to happen or what the outcome will be. I thought I'd write a post about what it was like  and how I managed to stay calm and hopefully it can help others in a similar situation. My Mums friend came with us on the day who stayed with us on the hospital when I was on the ward, it really helped to have her there because she has already been a big part of this journey and she helped to keep me and Mum calm and was there for us. My hospital family as I call them were there for us too, whether it's talking to me to distract me whilst having my cannula put in, or giving us lots of hugs to keep us chilled, they're always there, before the MRI we went to the oncology day unit and waited there for a while until it was time for our appointment, I had my cannula put in which I hated but people helped to distract me, I saw lots of familiar faces as you get to know everyone and it was nice to see them and catch up with them, they always ask about my physio and what else I have been up to, when it was time, we rolled over to the MRI department and then went in for my scan, I have to stand and step round to get onto the MRI bed and then have to get my head and shoulders in the right position, they put headphones on me (I was listening to the Kaiser Chiefs during this scan and was enjoying it too much that I got told off for moving because I was dancing) and then I go into the machine, the music helps to relax me and also my Mum always sits and holds my feet so that's comforting, it's very hard to hear the music properly because of how loud the machine is but I just try to zone the noise out and focus on the music. I'm in the machine for a little while and then they come and inject the dye into my cannula, then after I'm in for another little while and then it is over, when we were done there we had some  food as I was complaining of being hungry lol, then we went back up to the day unit where my consultant had the results, we're showed the scan on a computer and it's quite scary to  look at, , we were showed my last scan compared to my scan from that day, the tumour was looking significantly smaller which was great because it showed the treatment had worked, my consultant has always said to me that my scans will never look normal and he said remember what I always say, because of the bleeding and stuff from surgery my scan will never be clear or look normal. After talking with the nurses and doctors about my scan and seeing the results  I felt very relieved, now I can just see what happens at the next scan in a few months and focus my energy on physio instead of worrying. 

The end of 2016

As we're coming to the end of this year I've been reflecting on everything that has happened and also thinking about next year. To be honest, this year has mostly been rubbish, since being diagnosed everything has changed(have to point out that Everything Has Changed is a Taylor Swift  ft Ed Sheeran song that slays lol) anyway, things became so different and it was hard to adjust to these changes but with the help of many amazing people I have managed, I've also been thinking about what this year has taught me and how I'm going to use these lessons from 2016 to help me make 2017 amazing, here are some things I have learnt:

Be grateful- be grateful for what you've got,  life is unpredictable and you don't know what's going to happen next, appreciate all that you have as you never know when it could be taken away from you, most people would do anything to have what others have.
Slow and steady wins the race- I've learnt that I can't rush things, especially my physio, it will come in time I just have to keep working hard, it's going to take as long as it does and it could be years but I've accepted that,  it's better to do things properly, even though it's hard to watch everyone around me walking and having the use of both hands, I have to persevere and know that things will happen in time. 
Tough times reveal true colours-  this tough time has shown me the true colours of many people, I've been surprised by many people's ignorance but also surprised by others' kindness. 

Complaining is pointless- if I spent all day complaining about not being able to walk it would be a waste of time because complaining about it won't make it change , I have to accept it and just get on with it and put the energy that I would use to complain into more important things, such as physio. I try my hardest not to complain as I think there's no point, sometimes it gets too much but I'm not going to complain all the time, I'm going through this but I try my hardest not to sit moaning about it 24/7 as it can be annoying. Don't waste your time and energy complaining about trivial stuff, use it wisely 

I have learned a lot this year, I am grateful for that even though the way I've had to learn these lessons has been awful but I think it's made me a better person and helped me to really appreciate life, I just hope that I can use my story to try and teach others these lessons. 

2017 will be a chance for me to have a fresh start and the lessons I've learned from this year will really help me next year to live life to the fullest and be appreciative even if I am in a bad situation, there's always someone worse off than you. 

Hope anyone who reads this has had a wonderful Christmas and haves a very Happy & Healthy New Year 

Christmas & New Year

This time of year has always been one of my favourite times, I love the festivities, the decorations, the music and movies and the family time and time to chill and pretty much everything really, obviously this year will be different but we are still managing to keep it fun by making new ways to do things, for example usually every Christmas I'd be the first to wake up,run into my sisters room then we'd both go and wake my Mum up together but instead this year I think we're all sleeping in my room, we always find a way around things. Also I'm looking forward to starting a new year because it will be a fresh start and hopefully will be better than this year, this year has been full of ups and downs, obviously my life completely changed but the good times and many amazing people have kept me going, I think a fresh start will be good for me, just to forget about the past and concentrate on the future, my main focus of 2017 is going to be physio and to just be happy really, To anyone who is reading this have a very Merry  and a Happy New Year :) 

the beginning of my journey

I realised I hadn't really done a post about being diagnosed and how everything happened and what it was like and to be honest  I don't really like thinking about it as it was one of the most traumatic experiences ever but I wanted to write about it...

For a few weeks leading up to diagnosis I'd had flu like symptoms, it got quite bad so I didn't go into sixth form and stayed off for about a week or so, I never really had headaches before that like leading up to it, it was all very quick, so at this point I was complaining of flu like symptoms and excruciating headaches, we went to the doctors and after explaining what was wrong they thought that I had infected sinusitis, I was given antibiotics, when the course of antibiotics was over and I still wasn't better we went back to the doctors. The left side of my face had started to droop just before we got to the doctors and so when we got there Bell's palsy was queried, the doctor sent us to our local hospital, I had bloods taken and was on a drip with fluids  and they were still unsure of what was actually wrong, I was very photophobic (couldn't stand the bright lights) as my head was hurting too much with an awful headache, later on I had a CT scan and after, a doctor said he'd take us somewhere private to talk about the results, I thought to myself it's not going to be good but I just waited. They told me and Mum that the scan showed a lump on my brain- a brain tumour, me and Mum were both obviously in shock and I remember crying a lot but Mum was there to comfort me as she has been every single day. We stayed overnight in that hospital but at about 4am/5am we were blue lighted (taken in an ambulance) up to the Royal Victoria Infirmary because it is a centre of excellence and had everything that I needed there so it was where I needed to be. It was a bit of a drive but I just tried to sleep and take my mind off it all, I went straight in for an MRI scan when we got to the RVI.. it was awful, I was in there an hour and a half and it was so scary as it was the first time I had been in one and I hadn't really had chance to prepare myself as it was all so quick. Mum sat at the end of the bed and held my feet which comforted me. The staff knew how scared and upset we were and they were there for us and really helped us. I still couldn't stand the bright lights. We stayed on the neurology ward and over the next few days there was a lot of talk about surgery and I was told I needed to have it as soon as possible, I met the neurological surgeon and my consultant oncologist who talked us through everything and couldn't have been more helpful, I had a few days on the neurology ward and I was trying to come to terms with everything and prepare myself for surgery, I had always had a fear of cannulas and ever having to have an operation so I was extremely scared and worried. But the day came and I did it, and that's how my journey with cancer and Darren Lee (tumour) started 

Appreciate Life

I was struggling to think of what to do my next blog post on and I had an idea but it may be a bit jumbled as I know what I want to say but it's hard trying to put it all into words, basically I just want to get a message across to appreciate all that you have and be grateful as you never know when things may change, I'm not going to lie before being diagnosed I probably didn't appreciate as much as I should've, and now things have changed for me I realise how important it is to be appreciative as you never know what's going to happen and things may change when you least expect it, So appreciate everything even the smallest and simplest things, things that I miss may seem so small and simple to a lot of people but they actually aren't, I miss being able to cut my food up by myself, obviously I can still eat my food as I thankfully still have the use of my right hand(and I guess it's a good thing that I was right handed anyway) you may take something as simple and little as cutting up your dinner for granted but it's actually not a little thing. I miss being able to walk my dogs, something that many people do every day and don't think twice about. So I'm trying to encourage people to just think now about what you have and how you are grateful for it because trust me if things changed for you which they could at any point you would get a  huge shock. Another thing that annoys me is complaining, I do complain but I try not to as I just think there's no point, I have to accept what's happened and just get on with it, I could complain constantly about the fact that I can't walk but I don't. When I hear people complaining now especially about trivial things I cant help but get annoyed, as you waste your breath on complaining there's someone out there fighting for their breath and there is another person out there taking their last breath, Yes everybody has ups and downs but that's life- just appreciate what you have in the here and now as you don't know what's around the corner and there are many people out there who would do anything to have what some people have, so the message of this is just to try and show people how important it is to be appreciative and grateful of what you have.   


"life is a gift, never take it for granted" 

Finishing Chemo

On November 29th 2016 my 6 months of intense chemo finally finished, I'm glad for it to be over as I hate the side effects of chemo, it's not nice when the thing that's meant to make you better can actually make you feel worse, but you know you have to endure it anyway as the chemo will help you. I think when you finish chemo people think oh that's it, it's not. Just because I've finished treatment doesn't mean that I'm better and also it doesn't mean that the effects of chemo just stop there, hopefully they won't be as bad but  they can still make you feel rubbish, so what now? Well because of the way my mobility was affected, I've still got a lot of rehabilitation and working hard with physio ahead of me- that's going to be my main focus now. Also, I will have an MRI scan in a couple of weeks to check what's going on in my head after chemo, this is very nerve racking for me and my Mum just like every scan is, but the amazing staff who look after me help us through it all. It's worrying as you don't know what the outcome is going to be and the scan itself is scary enough, the massive machine and the noisiness of it and being all alone in the machine, although my Mum always sits by my feet which is helpful because  I can see her, also I take a CD for them to play for me as they can put headphones on me, this helps me to chill out a bit but it's very hard to hear the music over the loudness of the machine, that thing is veryyyyy noisy (and annoying! -Especially when you're trying to listen to the music and all you can hear is the noises of the machine, I prefer Justin Bieber to you machine thing!) I guess I don't know what comes after that as it all depends on the outcome of the scan, I've just got to keep hoping for the best and try not to worry about anything although it can be very hard, but I've got a lot of support and I know I'll be fine.  Just hoping for the best now and we'll see how things turn out.