18th birthday

On  24th February 2017, I turned 18, I spent my 18th very differently to how I expected and I'm unable to do so many things that I would've wanted to do, however  I'm going to try to not get upset over this, I have to look on the positive side because being negative won't help me, through this journey I have found out who my real friends are and made some great new friends through the Teenage Cancer Trust so I spent my birthday with fab people who I know will always be there for me, although my birthday was different to how I had imagined it, I still had a great day and being with these people  reminded me that through this hard time I'm still surrounded by happiness,  my Mum is amazing, she never  fails to make me happy and she put so much effort into making my birthday special as she knew how hard this day was for me, everything was perfect and I had so much fun despite being unable to dance etc, hopefully this shows anyone in a position similar to mine that whatever you're going through and can/can't do, nothing is impossible and you can always find a way around things 

Goals for the future

This post is just about what my goals are for the future for example,  the biggest and most important goal to me is to get my mobility back, it's not that simple though and this is going to be a long and tough journey,  but I know that the energy that I would use on being upset about not being able to do stuff, I can use towards the energy of working towards my goals. Most of my goals are all physio related like to be able to do things more independently and get my mobility back is something that I'm really working towards but I do have a few other goals also, such as I want to regain my singing voice, my voice was affected with nerve damage from the surgery and I now struggle to hit certain notes, I find the lower notes easier than the higher so a goal is to regain my voice and be able to hit a wide range of notes as singing is something I'm passionate about. I think it's been good for me to set myself a goal as then it gives me something to focus on instead of getting caught up in all the horrible thoughts such as "I can't walk", "I want to walk", "my singing sounds weird", I can focus on achieving the goals rather than getting upset. I wanted to write about this to  kind of show people that even though you might have a goal that seems too hard, don't let yourself get upset because that energy should be used to concentrate on achieving the goal rather than getting upset about it. 

Tiredness

Because I've finished all treatments, I think that people think the tiredness just disappears, however the effects from treatments can last  a while after you've finished. The tiredness is one of the worst effects because it really is indescribable, you just can't say how it makes you feel like it's rubbish but more than that, I've always tried to fight the tiredness but I've learned that's not the best thing to do because you get to a point where it consumes you, every day is different as some days I could just be too tired and feel that I don't have the energy to do anything, it's not just the tiredness from treatments I get it's all the physical work I have to do because of the stroke effects, even something as simple as going to the toilet feels like work because getting on and off the toilet/commode  is hard when you have limited mobility. I think it's hard to understand these effects unless you actually go through it yourself,  I wish that there was an easier way to describe the feeling that it gives you rather than just tired or rubbish because it's much more than that. 

MRI scan

On January 6th it was my first MRI scan since finishing chemo, I was feeling a mixture of nervous/worried/anxious&scared because you just don't know what's going to happen or what the outcome will be. I thought I'd write a post about what it was like  and how I managed to stay calm and hopefully it can help others in a similar situation. My Mums friend came with us on the day who stayed with us on the hospital when I was on the ward, it really helped to have her there because she has already been a big part of this journey and she helped to keep me and Mum calm and was there for us. My hospital family as I call them were there for us too, whether it's talking to me to distract me whilst having my cannula put in, or giving us lots of hugs to keep us chilled, they're always there, before the MRI we went to the oncology day unit and waited there for a while until it was time for our appointment, I had my cannula put in which I hated but people helped to distract me, I saw lots of familiar faces as you get to know everyone and it was nice to see them and catch up with them, they always ask about my physio and what else I have been up to, when it was time, we rolled over to the MRI department and then went in for my scan, I have to stand and step round to get onto the MRI bed and then have to get my head and shoulders in the right position, they put headphones on me (I was listening to the Kaiser Chiefs during this scan and was enjoying it too much that I got told off for moving because I was dancing) and then I go into the machine, the music helps to relax me and also my Mum always sits and holds my feet so that's comforting, it's very hard to hear the music properly because of how loud the machine is but I just try to zone the noise out and focus on the music. I'm in the machine for a little while and then they come and inject the dye into my cannula, then after I'm in for another little while and then it is over, when we were done there we had some  food as I was complaining of being hungry lol, then we went back up to the day unit where my consultant had the results, we're showed the scan on a computer and it's quite scary to  look at, , we were showed my last scan compared to my scan from that day, the tumour was looking significantly smaller which was great because it showed the treatment had worked, my consultant has always said to me that my scans will never look normal and he said remember what I always say, because of the bleeding and stuff from surgery my scan will never be clear or look normal. After talking with the nurses and doctors about my scan and seeing the results  I felt very relieved, now I can just see what happens at the next scan in a few months and focus my energy on physio instead of worrying. 

The end of 2016

As we're coming to the end of this year I've been reflecting on everything that has happened and also thinking about next year. To be honest, this year has mostly been rubbish, since being diagnosed everything has changed(have to point out that Everything Has Changed is a Taylor Swift  ft Ed Sheeran song that slays lol) anyway, things became so different and it was hard to adjust to these changes but with the help of many amazing people I have managed, I've also been thinking about what this year has taught me and how I'm going to use these lessons from 2016 to help me make 2017 amazing, here are some things I have learnt:

Be grateful- be grateful for what you've got,  life is unpredictable and you don't know what's going to happen next, appreciate all that you have as you never know when it could be taken away from you, most people would do anything to have what others have.
Slow and steady wins the race- I've learnt that I can't rush things, especially my physio, it will come in time I just have to keep working hard, it's going to take as long as it does and it could be years but I've accepted that,  it's better to do things properly, even though it's hard to watch everyone around me walking and having the use of both hands, I have to persevere and know that things will happen in time. 
Tough times reveal true colours-  this tough time has shown me the true colours of many people, I've been surprised by many people's ignorance but also surprised by others' kindness. 

Complaining is pointless- if I spent all day complaining about not being able to walk it would be a waste of time because complaining about it won't make it change , I have to accept it and just get on with it and put the energy that I would use to complain into more important things, such as physio. I try my hardest not to complain as I think there's no point, sometimes it gets too much but I'm not going to complain all the time, I'm going through this but I try my hardest not to sit moaning about it 24/7 as it can be annoying. Don't waste your time and energy complaining about trivial stuff, use it wisely 

I have learned a lot this year, I am grateful for that even though the way I've had to learn these lessons has been awful but I think it's made me a better person and helped me to really appreciate life, I just hope that I can use my story to try and teach others these lessons. 

2017 will be a chance for me to have a fresh start and the lessons I've learned from this year will really help me next year to live life to the fullest and be appreciative even if I am in a bad situation, there's always someone worse off than you. 

Hope anyone who reads this has had a wonderful Christmas and haves a very Happy & Healthy New Year 

Christmas & New Year

This time of year has always been one of my favourite times, I love the festivities, the decorations, the music and movies and the family time and time to chill and pretty much everything really, obviously this year will be different but we are still managing to keep it fun by making new ways to do things, for example usually every Christmas I'd be the first to wake up,run into my sisters room then we'd both go and wake my Mum up together but instead this year I think we're all sleeping in my room, we always find a way around things. Also I'm looking forward to starting a new year because it will be a fresh start and hopefully will be better than this year, this year has been full of ups and downs, obviously my life completely changed but the good times and many amazing people have kept me going, I think a fresh start will be good for me, just to forget about the past and concentrate on the future, my main focus of 2017 is going to be physio and to just be happy really, To anyone who is reading this have a very Merry  and a Happy New Year :) 

the beginning of my journey

I realised I hadn't really done a post about being diagnosed and how everything happened and what it was like and to be honest  I don't really like thinking about it as it was one of the most traumatic experiences ever but I wanted to write about it...

For a few weeks leading up to diagnosis I'd had flu like symptoms, it got quite bad so I didn't go into sixth form and stayed off for about a week or so, I never really had headaches before that like leading up to it, it was all very quick, so at this point I was complaining of flu like symptoms and excruciating headaches, we went to the doctors and after explaining what was wrong they thought that I had infected sinusitis, I was given antibiotics, when the course of antibiotics was over and I still wasn't better we went back to the doctors. The left side of my face had started to droop just before we got to the doctors and so when we got there Bell's palsy was queried, the doctor sent us to our local hospital, I had bloods taken and was on a drip with fluids  and they were still unsure of what was actually wrong, I was very photophobic (couldn't stand the bright lights) as my head was hurting too much with an awful headache, later on I had a CT scan and after, a doctor said he'd take us somewhere private to talk about the results, I thought to myself it's not going to be good but I just waited. They told me and Mum that the scan showed a lump on my brain- a brain tumour, me and Mum were both obviously in shock and I remember crying a lot but Mum was there to comfort me as she has been every single day. We stayed overnight in that hospital but at about 4am/5am we were blue lighted (taken in an ambulance) up to the Royal Victoria Infirmary because it is a centre of excellence and had everything that I needed there so it was where I needed to be. It was a bit of a drive but I just tried to sleep and take my mind off it all, I went straight in for an MRI scan when we got to the RVI.. it was awful, I was in there an hour and a half and it was so scary as it was the first time I had been in one and I hadn't really had chance to prepare myself as it was all so quick. Mum sat at the end of the bed and held my feet which comforted me. The staff knew how scared and upset we were and they were there for us and really helped us. I still couldn't stand the bright lights. We stayed on the neurology ward and over the next few days there was a lot of talk about surgery and I was told I needed to have it as soon as possible, I met the neurological surgeon and my consultant oncologist who talked us through everything and couldn't have been more helpful, I had a few days on the neurology ward and I was trying to come to terms with everything and prepare myself for surgery, I had always had a fear of cannulas and ever having to have an operation so I was extremely scared and worried. But the day came and I did it, and that's how my journey with cancer and Darren Lee (tumour) started